How to Deal with a Bully Boss: When Your Boss Feels Threatened By Your Success - drkallschmidt.com

You’re lying awake at 2 AM running through every interaction from the past month. Your boss has been distant. Cold, even. They used to praise your work, involve you in meetings, ask for your input. Now? Silence. Exclusion. Vague criticism that doesn’t make sense.

You’re wondering: What did I do wrong? Am I not as good as I thought? Am I being paranoid?

Here’s what I need you to understand: You might not have done anything wrong. Your competence might be threatening your boss. And if you don’t have the framework to see it, you’ll internalize their insecurity as your failure.

This article breaks down what a bully boss actually looks like, why bosses feel threatened by their best employees, how to know if you’re experiencing it, and what to do about it. I’m going to be as objective as possible about when you need outside help (coaching, community) and when you don’t.

For a video version of this article, click here.

What Is a Bully Boss?

A bully boss is someone in a position of authority who perceives your competence, success, or potential as a risk to their own position, ego, or sense of control. Instead of supporting your growth, they actively or passively undermine you.

This isn’t about having a bad day or being busy. This is a pattern of behavior where your success makes them feel less secure, and they respond by trying to diminish you.

Why Do Bosses Bully Their Best Employees?

Before we get into the individual psychology, we need to understand the systems that create bully bosses who feel threatened by competent employees.

Capitalism Creates Pyramid Structures

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: the current system rewards narcissism and psychopathy. We have pyramid structures where there are fewer positions as you move up. This creates zero-sum thinking: if you move up, someone else doesn’t. If you’re good, that makes me look less good.

I frequently remind my clients of a phenomenon I call “the hierarchy scramble.” People never blame the top of the ladder because they want them to like them. They want to be them. But to feel like they’re not being robbed of power, they have to stomp. Like if you’re at rung number five, you really got to stomp on four. Having someone else on five is a threat to you.

This isn’t just theory. Look at Boeing. When they shifted from being an engineering firm to a finance company in 2003, they literally said it out loud. Engineers raising safety concerns got labeled “emotional” or “not understanding business.” The people who knew what they were doing became threats to the people making financial decisions. Planes crashed. People died.

That’s what happens when competence threatens hierarchy.

Social Class Mobility Is a Threat to the System

Here’s what I’ve found: very many people still don’t understand that social class mobility, while it is the backbone of American ideology, is a threat to the people at the top.

The upper class has learned not to tell us “I am genetically superior. I think I’m better than you. I deserve what I have”—though it is getting louder now. To keep us from revolting, they tell us “if you move up the ladder, if you just work harder, you’ll get there.” And the working harder benefits them as they benefit off our labor.

But anybody who actually succeeds in that is a threat to them. Because it threatens the narrative that maybe they’re not inherently better. Maybe there are people who are capable of what they’re doing, and it throws their whole identity into crisis.

Intersectionality Makes It Worse

As there are more and more marginalized identities that get higher and higher on that ladder, this becomes more and more threatening.

There is nothing more threatening to elitism and classism in America than a Black woman killing it and moving up the career ladder. Not a damn thing. Because what it says is: with all those 400 years of privileges, inheriting wealth, not having laws against your body, all of those things—maybe you aren’t so special. Maybe the system was just built by your grandparents to benefit them and their successors.

Pet-to-Threat: Why Black Women Experience This Most Severely

Here’s where I need to be really specific: The pet-to-threat dynamic was coined by Dr. Kecia Thomas and is specifically about the experiences of Black women at work.

Dr. Thomas describes how Black women go from being the pet—the token, “Look, I love this person. See, I’m not racist. I have a Black worker”—until that Black woman is really good at her job, and then she becomes a threat.

Because nothing threatens the system of white supremacy more than seeing a non-white person excel, especially if they’re also a woman (because that threatens patriarchy), and any kind of social mobility threatens classism. So you have all three major systems—white supremacy, patriarchy, classism—working to suppress the Black woman.

What makes pet-to-threat distinct is the professional fetishization component. It’s the professional version of “I have a Black friend.” It’s “I’m not racist, I don’t have racist organizational policies. Look, there’s that one Black woman here. I’m not sexist. We even have a Black woman here. She’s on all of our company website photos and I bring her into certain meetings and if I have a press release from bad press on something else I did, that’s who I want by my side.”

But as soon as she tells me that this isn’t working, or ways we could improve to make sure she’s not the only Black woman here, now she’s a threat to me. Or if she’s just too excellent and it’s time for her to be promoted into higher ranks, now she’s a threat to me because her only value to someone who saw her as a pet was to remain the pet and not to ever become a peer.

And that’s partly how we end up with organizations that look like this: the diversity is at the bottom, but then everybody starts looking real monolithic through the top with the exception of maybe one white woman.

Why People Relate to Pet-to-Threat (Even Though It’s Not Their Experience)

I see people (who are not Black women) talk about pet-to-threat a lot on social media, and I think it resonates with many people because of something I found in my dissertation research on the unwritten rules of work.

In my research looking at Black and white employees navigating social class mobility, all of them talked about the pressure of compliance—the expectation that you are silent and voiceless, that you do not counter an opinion, you do not challenge authority. Actually, the largest group that talked about compliance in my first research study was Black men.

So I know this is an experience across race and gender groups. But pet-to-threat theory is different from compliance.

Pet-to-threat has the expectation that you are allowed to be used as someone’s armor against their own racism, their own misogyny, misogynoir specifically. And then you are outcast as soon as you’re not doing that anymore.

The compliance dynamic I found in my research is related—you’re valued as long as you conform and don’t threaten the hierarchy. But pet-to-threat carries the additional layer of tokenization and fetishization that is specific to how Black women are used in predominantly white workplaces.

The Belief System That Maintains This

I used to not question this structure either. I grew up being against affirmative action. I was told racism was wrong, but that affirmative action was reverse racism because we wanted to be able to tell ourselves that we weren’t racist.

But we also viewed everyone who made it past that first level as being a diversity hire. Not always, but often we thought that. And this is a conscious belief, so you can’t say it’s an unconscious bias. But we don’t trail back into what that belief is tied to in our mind.

If someone who makes it past level one is a diversity hire and nobody else is, then the belief is that there is something about the people at the top that inherently makes them more capable and deserving of that position, and that no matter what the others do through education, through work experience, etc., they can never achieve that level.

And that’s a core belief of white supremacy. And you can have those beliefs without ever putting on a white hood.

Here’s how it plays out: In most organizations, wealthy white men occupy the top tier of power. As a white woman, I may be allowed into the second or third tier, very rarely higher, but the golden carrot is dangled that at least I’m a little higher on the pyramid than everyone else. And I’ve referenced in my book, videos, and blog posts how this is how social class systems work in America since 1676—before we were even a country—to keep people fighting each other so you don’t fight what the overall cost is. Becuase instead of revolting against the same group of elite white men who lead most of the organizations holding most of the world’s wealth, we target the threatening good co-worker, supervisee, or middle manager.

Emotion Drives Behavior, Not Logic

Most people believe they are logical, and most people are not. Emotion drives behavior, not logic. And men especially are in denial of that.

I have a German-American Catholic family. We’re not great with emotions. But looking around the world right now—not even just in the US—from Vladimir Putin to Kim Jong-un, we have very emotional men running the world. We have men who insist they’re these logical STEM types, but emotion drives their behavior (remember, anger and fear are emotions).

Your boss’s fear of becoming invisible or irrelevant is MORE powerful than logic about team success. This is why a bully boss will sabotage their own team’s performance to protect their ego. It doesn’t make sense logically. But emotionally? It makes perfect sense.

One of my clients is dealing with a boss who needs to feel smart, capable, and seen. This boss doesn’t look at balance sheets. He doesn’t make decisions based on data. He makes decisions based on whether he feels threatened. And if helping the organization means someone else gets visibility, he’ll block it. Sound familiar?

How to Handle a Bully Boss: Understanding the Pattern

Here’s the typical pattern I see with my clients when dealing with a bully boss who feels threatened:

Phase 1: The Pet Your boss loves you. They praise your work, give you opportunities, tell others how great you are. You feel valued and supported. You think, “This is great. My hard work is paying off.”

Phase 2: Competence Shows You excel. You get recognition from others. You demonstrate expertise that maybe even exceeds your boss’s. Senior leaders notice you. You start getting invited to things.

Phase 3: The Threat Emerges Your boss realizes you could replace them, outshine them, or expose their incompetence. They have an identity crisis. Their behavior shifts.

Phase 4: The Undermining Begins Exclusion from meetings. Criticism without specifics. Withholding information. Credit for your work goes elsewhere. Goalposts move. You’re confused because nothing you do is suddenly good enough.

Signs Your Boss Is Threatened By You (When to Recognize a Bully Boss)

Based on my research and hundreds of client consultations, here are the signs you’re dealing with a bully boss who feels threatened by your success:

1. Sudden Communication Shift

A boss who was chatty goes cold or distant
They stop giving you feedback (or only give vague, unhelpful feedback)
You get excluded from meetings you should be in
Information gets withheld from you that you need to do your job
They’re responsive to others but not to you

One of my clients described it as becoming a “ghost” to her boss. He would respond to everyone else’s emails within hours, but hers would sit for days or get one-word replies.

2. Your Success Gets Minimized or Blocked

You hear “You’re too valuable where you are” when you ask about promotion
Credit for your work goes to others
Your ideas get dismissed in meetings, then implemented later without attribution
Your wins get downplayed in performance reviews
You’re doing director-level work at manager pay with no path to advancement

This is incredibly common for first-generation professionals and women of color especially. The system benefits from your labor but doesn’t want to reward you for it.

3. Moving Goalposts

Standards change without explanation
Suddenly nothing you do is good enough
You get vague criticism without specifics (“You need to be more strategic,” but they won’t define what that means)
You’re told your work isn’t “professional” or “scientific” or “polished” without clear feedback on what’s wrong

I had a client whose academic supervisor kept saying her work wasn’t “scientific” without explanation. Turns out, it wasn’t about the methodology—it was about gatekeeping knowledge by forcing a specific style preference (y’all know academic writing drives me crazy! That’s why I wrote my book like a damn educated redneck).

4. Active Undermining and Workplace Harassment

They criticize you in front of others
They set you up to fail (impossible deadlines, insufficient resources, unclear expectations)
They spread doubt about your competence to others
They won’t advocate for your advancement despite your strong performance
They take credit for your ideas or work

5. Emotional Reactions to Your Competence

They get defensive when you have ideas or suggestions
They seem angry or annoyed when you’re recognized by others
They make passive-aggressive comments
They need to “one-up” you or remind everyone they’re in charge
You can feel their discomfort when you demonstrate expertise

Why You Didn’t See It: The Cognitive Traps

If you’re in this situation with a bully boss, you might be wondering: How did I miss this?

Here’s why:

You’ve Been Taught to Blame Yourself

When something goes wrong at work, we’re conditioned to assume it’s our fault. “Maybe I’m not as good as I think.” “Maybe I did something wrong.” “Maybe I’m being paranoid or too sensitive.”

This is especially true if you’re working class, a woman, a person of color, or neurodivergent. You’ve been trained your whole life to defer to authority to survive.

It Doesn’t Make Logical Sense

Your brain is trying to make sense of this by asking: “Why would my boss sabotage their own team’s success? Wouldn’t they WANT me to do well? Doesn’t my success make them look good as a manager?”

The problem is you’re operating on logic. They’re operating on emotion—fear, insecurity, ego protection. They’re operating on this because their leaders are doing the same to them, designing a culture of scarcity and unhealthy competition, over one of collaboration and growth (see my video here on how this nearly tanked Microsoft).

The Gaslighting

Your boss denies anything is wrong. “You’re overthinking it.” “I’m just busy.” “Everything’s fine.” And because they perform differently in public (they’re perfectly pleasant in meetings with senior leaders), others don’t see what you’re experiencing.

You start questioning your own perception of reality.

Culture Tells You This Doesn’t Happen

We’re sold the myth of meritocracy: “Work hard and you’ll be rewarded.” “Good work speaks for itself.” “Just keep your head down and do your job.”

If you’re first-generation, you might have been told “You should just be grateful to be here.” That gratitude keeps you from seeing when you’re being exploited or undermined.

Why Bosses Pick on Certain Employees: The “Competent Enough” Problem

Here’s something I see play out constantly: People like “excellent enough.” They don’t like actual excellence. It’s threatening.

Someone in my comments shared that their wife is Latina and went to Stanford. She can’t tell people that without them freaking the fuck out because she’s not fitting their Latina stereotype. But she has to tell them—very carefully. She says “a school in California” instead of “Stanford.” That’s what I call a strategic humble brag, and it’s a survival mechanism.

Think about middle school. The person who was popular wasn’t actually the most attractive person. It was the person who was trying hard enough—caked on the makeup, dyed their hair, wore the really cute outfits, was involved in all the popular things. They were tolerably cute and conforming enough to be accepted, but they weren’t actually a threat because they weren’t naturally gorgeous.

Meanwhile, the person who just woke up beautiful in the morning and didn’t care and went to school and did their own thing? That’s a threat. Nobody ever wanted to see them dress up for prom because they’d outshine everybody.

It’s the same at work: Competent enough, signaling you will conform, but not so much that you will outshine everybody else.

And for Latinas and Black women, there’s that double bind: assumed to be incompetent the whole time, so you have to overcome that stereotype, but not enough that you become a threat.

Almost all of my clients who are especially women of color—we are navigating this together: How do you do enough to overcome the stereotype of being incompetent, but not so much that you become the threat and you’re treated like the workhorse or worse? And that is labor nobody should have to do.

How to Deal with a Bully Boss: Survival and Strategy

Now that you understand what’s happening, what do you actually DO when dealing with a bully boss?

I’m going to break this into two sections: (1) survival strategies for individuals, and (2) systemic change strategies for leaders and organizations.

Survival Strategies (If You’re Dealing with a Bully Boss)

1. Name It—Don’t Internalize It

The most important first step is recognizing this is about your boss’s insecurity, not your incompetence.

Stop asking “What did I do wrong?” Start asking “What is my boss afraid of?”

This isn’t you being paranoid. This isn’t you being too sensitive. This is a real dynamic with real consequences, and naming it helps you stop internalizing their bullshit.

2. Document Everything

Start building a paper trail:

Save emails where your boss, clients, coworkers, other managers, etc. praise your work. BCC them to your private email in case you get suddenly locked out of your professional one (be mindful of company data privacy policies. Document the behavior without breaking the law, okay?).
Track your contributions and wins in a running document
Screenshot positive feedback
Keep records of goals that were set and then changed
Document instances of exclusion, criticism, or undermining (with dates and specifics)

This isn’t paranoia. This is protection. If this escalates to HR, EEOC, or a performance review that blindsides you, you’ll need evidence. And if you need help knowing how to do this, I have a course on this in my Skool community. It’s $15/month, 6 hours of content. Attendees have told me this content helped them when drafting anti-harassment appeals against their organization. GET ‘EM!

3. Build Your Network Outside Your Boss

Don’t make your boss your only point of contact or opportunity. They’ve proven they won’t advocate for you. So:

Connect with senior leaders outside your direct chain of command
Build your reputation in other departments
Get involved in cross-functional projects
Strengthen your LinkedIn presence and industry connections
Find mentors and sponsors who aren’t your direct supervisor

This serves two purposes: (1) it gives you advocates who see your actual work, and (2) it gives you options if you need to leave.

4. Strategic Communication (Survival, Not Endorsement)

I need to be really clear here: I’m not saying you should manipulate your boss or become someone you’re not. But there are strategic ways to communicate that can reduce the threat response while you figure out your next move.

One of my clients is dealing with a boss who desperately needs to feel smart, capable, and seen. Here’s what I told her:

“If you can portray anything that the organization needs as helping him feel seen, or that if he doesn’t do it he is at risk of becoming invisible, he’s more likely to do it. You don’t want to manipulate him to go jumping off a cliff. But if you can appeal to the emotion of ‘Do you want to be the CEO that tanks this company?’ and frame yourself as supporting his visibility and success, you can sometimes get what the organization needs.”

This might look like:

Framing your ideas as supporting their vision (“Building on what you said about X…”)
Asking for their “input” on something you’ve already figured out (makes them feel smart)
Letting them present your idea in a meeting (strategic credit-sharing)
Using language that centers their goals

Is this fair? No. Is this your job? No. But if you need to survive while you build your exit plan, these tactics can buy you time. If you struggle with this skill, I focus specifically on this skill in coaching. I have video lessons, worksheets, and everything waiting on you when you’re ready.

5. Decide: Is There a Path Forward Here?

You need to get honest about whether this situation is salvageable:

Is there a way around this boss? (Transfer to another department, get promoted out from under them, wait for them to leave?)
Does your organization have systems to hold managers accountable, or will HR protect the boss?
Is this worth the mental and emotional toll, or is it time to start job searching?
What does the job market look like for you right now? (I’m not going to pretend you can just quit—many of my clients can’t afford to.)

There’s no universal answer here. But you need to make an active choice rather than staying in denial and hoping it gets better. We can talk about this in coaching, my bullying course has tons of resources, but I’m also going to tell you that The Workplace Bullying Institute has plenty of free resources available to get you started. Their book The Bully at Work was life changing for me!

6. Protect Your Mental Health

Being in this situation is exhausting and destabilizing. It can trigger or worsen anxiety, depression, and imposter syndrome. You might:

Find a therapist who understands workplace dynamics
Join a community of people navigating similar situations (this is what my Skool community is for—$15/month for weekly group coaching and connection with other first-gen professionals and people dealing with this exact dynamic)
Set boundaries between work and personal life
Remind yourself regularly: “This is about them, not me”
Keep evidence of your competence visible to yourself (that praise folder you’re building)
Module 6 of my Skool bullying course covers recovery strategies, but this one’s on me. Music has always been healing to me, so please collaborate on this Bullying Recovery Jams playlist. What song keeps you from breaking your soul?

Don’t underestimate the toll this takes. You’re not weak for struggling with this. You’re dealing with a fucked-up situation that shouldn’t exist.

Systemic Change (For Leaders and Organizations)

If you’re a leader reading this and thinking “I don’t want to create this dynamic” or “How do I fix this in my organization,” here’s what actually works:

1. Change How You Promote People

Stop promoting based purely on confidence and self-promotion. These select for narcissism and insecurity. Instead:

Assess candidates for secure leadership (do they develop others or hoard information?)
Value collaboration over individual “heroics”
Look for people who make their teams better, not just people who make themselves look good
Create transparent criteria for advancement
Narcissists and psychopaths know when and how to “fake it” for power. How to really tell if they’re good leaders is to evaluate the people they lead.

2. Create Real Accountability for Managers

Do 360-degree reviews that actually matter (not just performative feedback)
Track exit interview data for patterns (if everyone leaving mentions the same manager, that’s not coincidence)
Have consequences for managers who undermine their reports
Don’t promote people into management just because they’re good individual contributors—managing people is a different skill set

3. Not Everyone is Meant for Management

Reduce the zero-sum competition for limited positions
Create lateral growth opportunities (you can develop expertise without managing people)
Make promotion criteria transparent
Offer multiple paths to advancement and compensation

4. Train Leaders to Recognize and Address Their Own Insecurity

Name the pet-to-threat cycle explicitly in leadership training
Teach secure leadership practices
Model that vulnerability and competence can coexist
Help leaders understand that their reports’ success IS their success as a manager
When people report, get inquisitive, not defensive. Covering up for bad behavior puts you at higher risk anyway.

I work with organizations on this through workshops and leadership training. If you’re in a position to change these dynamics systemically, email me at info@drkallschmidt.com. This is the work I’m most interested in now—getting people into leadership who actually give a shit and then helping them not replicate these harmful patterns.

When You Need Help vs. When You Don’t

I want to be as honest as possible about when my services (coaching, community, book) are useful and when they’re not.

You Probably Don’t Need Coaching If:

You’ve identified the problem and you have a clear path forward (transfer, promotion, exit plan)
Your situation is straightforward and you just needed the framework to understand it
You have a strong support system and aren’t at risk of internalizing this
Your mental health is stable and you’re confident in your next steps

The Book Might Be Enough If:

You’re early in recognizing these dynamics and want to understand all the unwritten rules
You’re first-generation and trying to decode workplace culture broadly
You want the research and frameworks to understand what you’re experiencing
You need validation that you’re not crazy and these patterns are real ($8.99 ebook, $21.99 hardcover)

The Skool Community Makes Sense If:

You’re navigating this but don’t need intensive 1-on-1 support
You want weekly group coaching and feedback
You need community with other first-gen professionals and people in similar situations
You want ongoing support without the cost of private coaching ($15/month, weekly live calls)
You’re earlier in your career and building your navigation skills

You Probably Need 1-on-1 Coaching If:

Your situation is complex (intersecting identities, extreme power dynamics, legal considerations)
You’re moving into leadership and want to not replicate these patterns
You need a customized strategy for your specific boss/organization
You’re at a critical decision point (stay vs. go, how to document for EEOC, navigating a performance review)
You’ve tried the general strategies and need personalized guidance (My coaching program is $597/month for 2 sessions + program content + Skool access; I also offer single sessions starting at $247/50-minute session)

You Don’t Need Any of This If:

You’re already secure and satisfied with how things are working
You don’t believe engagement with systems can create change
You’re looking for someone to just validate that you should quit without helping you think through the implications
You need certainty and clear-cut answers (I deal in complexity and gray areas)

The Bottom Line on Handling a Bully Boss

If you’re wondering “Is my boss threatened by me?” the answer might be yes. And it’s not your fault.

The biggest career lie that shocks first-generation professionals is that the most qualified, hardest worker is who gets selected and moves ahead. That is not true. Especially if you’re a racial and gender minority and/or neurodivergent.

You’re not crazy. The system is broken. Your boss’s insecurity is real and it has real consequences for your career, your mental health, and your financial stability.

Understanding what’s happening is the first step. Protecting yourself is the second. And if you’re in a position to change these dynamics systemically—please do. We need more people in leadership who understand this and are committed to doing it differently.

You’re not paranoid. You’re perceptive. And you deserve better than this.